In college you cry (a lot.)

I didn't quite believe my friends when they warned me about how emotional you can get when you're away from home until my first day of classes at BYU. Yes, I cried the FIRST day. Moving in had gone smoothly, orientation was awesome meeting super fun and solid people, the first Sunday was nice, but then came actual school and it was just downhill from there. I hadn't really paid attention to the layout of the campus during orientation because of how fun my group was, so come Monday at 11am, I was running late (of course) to Book of Mormon because first off, I couldn't be early because no that's weird, and then I had no dang idea which building was which and felt like a NOOB trying to not break a sweat and seem like I was lost, and the little Y app map wasn't working and UGH. Luckily Kendall was free to take me to that first class (bless her soul, I love that girl), but I'm pretty sure I circled the building and lost my mind trying to find mission prep with the 10-minute window I had, but thank goodness every person on campus is nice and helps! I'd finally made it to the opening hymn of you guessed it, "Called to Serve" and that was super cool seeing beaming girls and guys so excited to serve missions and a THE power couple (converts) as my professors. But as they go into the lesson, ask us to do role-play, and I see the crazy participation of so many beautiful people, I totally freak out inside. THEY KNEW SO MUCH! WHAT IN THE WORLD! THE WISDOM! WHERE DID THEY LEARN THIS? That's probably one of the first times I felt so inadequate in a gospel setting. Everyone was so nice and I felt the spirit in the class, but man was it a lot to take in. So after that, I decided I would indeed drop the class like I had even planned to when I registered because I just needed time. I would take BOM 1 and 2, then I'd take it in summer before I'd probably head on my mission. But anywaaays, it was when I waited for my brother Michael timidly in a crowded hallway to go to our anatomy class that he asked how my morning classes were that I just shook my head, tears coming. Mom, the amazing woman she is, sending me paragraphs upon paragraphs of helpful information I needed to know about homework, textbooks, etc. but in my stress, I just could NOT get myself to process the words, yet they just kept coming and I felt like my head was like straight-up jello and SJNSJNOSNBP. It was okay though. I don't know what I would've done without those incredibly kind people to get me through it.

It was another day about a month or two later that I was thinking about my homies (best friends from home) with the contrast of this college life that consisted of just a lot of friends/acquaintences with not many people you would get to know and call "best friend." And I knew this student body was full of good good people, but making friends in college is just diiiifferent... it sometimes felt like everyone had other friends, other interests, schedules, they're in different stages of their lives, etc... That, along with many other adjustments, was just HARD. Looking through the tons of pictures and videos I had of us all goofing off, everyone making fun of me for videoing like our whole lives, and then the sweet moments of kind words and deep talks, I had the epiphany of how much love there was between these individuals I'd grown up with and people I'd just met a couple years before. I sat in my bed and just cried, then looked through more memories and cried harder. I WAS NOT LIKE THIS! It was maybe one time months and months before that this had happened and I forgot about it, but I had not seen this coming at all! My sweet motherly roommate comes back in the room and just notices me with those worried eyebrows and just hugs me, and the weirdest thing was that I realized I wasn't really sad as much as happy and grateful. They were tears of joy! I've been so blessed to know such good, loving people! So that was a weirdly happy tender moment.

Last and biggest breakdown to share- It was the last Sunday I'd be there in Utah for 2 years! It was finals week of summer term and I was getting ready to head home with my hecka ton of stuff, roadtrip to California, say goodbye to awesome people, and go home to work and prepare for my mission. I was just stuffing those last weeks with fun things! Yet somehow I'd become more and more (for lack of a better word ha) meh. So that day it was just building up in my head. Finally, someone said something that made me passive aggressily snap a lil bit and I just felt so so bad inside. It really wasn't a big deal at all, but the pressure to be perfect as I'd been working on Christlike attributes for a mission prep assignment was ON. I'd been trying to achieve charity. love! not too hard, right? WRONG. And it was every single instance I interacted with a roommate or someone that I'd be judging myself so hardcore for not making it perfectly loving, helpful, caring, fun, happy.... I knew exactly how to treat people, yet it was so dang hard in each moment to change my natural attitude to a better one and I couldn't shake it. Satan got in my head with horrible thoughts like “you’re never going to have charity, it’s impossible.” or “no one’s ever going to love you because you can’t love anyone!” or my favorite “you just suck, so stop trying!” those and many more horribly wrong thoughts flooded all at once and I couldn’t help but slowly let my internal break-down show. I was doing okay until we sang one of my favorite hymns, “How Great Thou Art” for the closing song in RS and I just hiccup-cried and my sweet roommate just put her arm around me, having no idea what was up but gave me the love she always did. I felt, again, forever indebted to the kindest roommates! I knew the one thing that would put me out of the misery was a priesthood blessing of comfort. But my brother was unavailable, no daddy here at college, so I knew my home teacher and friend, as busy as he was that day, was the one I needed to do it. It was put off because I myself needed to visit teach and then being the last sunday of COURSE you gotta take those roomie pics?! I held it in, I was doing ok, called my parents in the private music room, talked about my fun weekend and then randomly felt that same misery of myself hit. The tears flooded, and I just felt like a slave to myself, this natural (wo-) man consuming me... I admitted to them and then my home teacher who came shorty how hard it all was... preparing for a mission, expecting as much as you think the Lord expects of you at that time, overcoming weaknesses faster than they’re coming, just feeling like I’m not making a difference or progressing as quickly as I expect to, failing to please my heavenly father, pride, etc... And then the tears turned more hopeful as he blessed me saying, “Heavenly father expects much out of you Kayla, but maybe not as much as you’re expecting of yourself as this time”.... and then “You’re on the path the Lord intends you to be on.” Those are the phrases that I remember feeling encircled about in my Heavenly Father’s unconditional, everlasting love. I felt that huge frustration and sadness lifted. I felt the confusion and wonder of what the heck I was doing gone. I could do it. Heavenly Father calls imperfect people to do His work because he trusts us, He knows the desires in our hearts, and loves us so much. So turns out I got that wonderful wonderful rest of the term I’d prayed for. I loved, laughed, and cared more those last few days. Charity was there. Not permanently, but I felt God’s put His love in me to use for others, and that was the greatest tender mercy I could’ve been given to cap my sophomore year at BYU.

I’ve heard a lot of people apologize for crying in my life, whatever the reason, but being the emotional one I am, I believe...

So don’t be afraid. Let it out! Have yourself a good cry. (Then realize it’s not as bad as it really seems/ you’re more blessed than you can believe! Haha rhyme not intended but catchy, right?)